Who am I?

Singapore
My name is Ivan Yow, I am turning 24 this year and currently a Year 3 Life Science Major in the National University of Singapore. As a Ministry of Education Scholarship holder, I will be completing my honours in Year 4 and hopefully juggle with the intriguing graduate studies while serving my bond with the Ministry. Apparently, I love basketball (Despite being vertically challenged) and singing whenever I can in my free time (For now, no free time to start off with as the new semester started recently). Nonetheless, feel free to view my blog, post comments and join me in the journey of enlightenment in communication studies.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

A Personal Statement from a personal experience (Modified)

Third draft
It was a high counsel whom I had heard given to a young person once, “Always do what you are afraid to do.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson, 19th century American philosopher

This quote reflects my strong belief in possessing determination and perseverance in everything I pursue. It helps me to be fearless against any difficulties.

When I decided to pursue a major in Life Science, many people were puzzled as I used to under-achieve for biology, my most feared subject in secondary school. There was even once when my mother got me to kneel in front of the altar for half a day just for failing miserably for biology. My bruised knees ended up with painful sores but she unsympathetically shouted at me: “What the bloody hell is this shit result? You better buck up before I hang you upside down then you know!”. That was the last time when I saw her blood-shot eyes as her reaction scared the daylight out of me. She looked as though she was going to suffer a heart-attack and that scene really broke my heart.

With fears for my mum’s health and the biology subject, I only studied chemistry and physics for my ‘A’ levels. I could have taken biology in ‘A’ levels too as I still managed to scrape a pass in it for ‘O’ levels. However, I told myself that I would never want to see her agitated over my studies ever again.

Despite all the setbacks and disadvantages, I was still determined to choose biology in my undergraduate studies after excelling for all the subjects I took for 'A' levels. Talks and seminars about Life Science inspired me and gave me lots of ideas on what I could possibly achieve from this course. Some admired my bravery, while others mocked my stupidity for not choosing other courses I am good in. However, I persevered and have excelled in it as evident from my resume.

With this experience, I have gained the ability to cope with difficulties and overcome my fears in any endeavors. Perseverance has allowed me to pursue knowledge out of my comfort zone. It has also helped me to serve as a good role model to the others. I hope to be able to demonstrate to students that through this sort of effort, they can reap by being willing to strive. Therefore, students will never be afraid to maintain continual learning as a lifelong habit and have the courage to face any adversity in future.

In every teaching process, learning also takes place. Who says that the teacher never learns, or the student can never teach? We are all together in the same boat on the journey of education.

Second draft
It was a high counsel whom I had heard given to a young person once, “Always do what you are afraid to do.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson, 19th century American philosopher

This quote reflects my strong belief in possessing determination and perseverance in everything I pursue. It develops me to be fearless against any difficulties.

When I decided to pursue a major in Life Science, many people were puzzled as I used to under-achieve for Biology, my most feared subject in secondary school. Moreover, I only studied Chemistry and Physics for my ‘A’ levels. Some admired my bravery, while others mocked at my stupidity for not choosing other courses I am good in. Despite all the setbacks and disadvantages, I still chose Biology in my undergraduate studies and have excelled in it as evident from my resume.

With this experience, I have gained the ability to cope with difficulties and overcome my fears in future endeavors. It has allowed me to pursue knowledge out of my comfort zone. Hence, this experience recognizes me as a good role model for students to emulate. My experience also contributes to the Ministry of Education’s desired outcomes of education as it will allow students to see what they can reap by being willing to strive. In addition, this provides them the courage and conviction in facing any adversity in future. Lastly, it cultivates students to maintain continual learning as a lifelong habit.

In every teaching process, learning also takes place. Who says that the teacher never learns, or the student can never teach? We are all together in the same boat on the journey of education.

7 comments:

  1. Hi Ivan! I find it creative that you started your personal statement with a good quote. I thought it was a very good punch line for whatever you wanted to write about. However, I find it rather weird that you end off with another quote. I don't really know if it's appropriate. (Sorry I do not really know how a personal statement works)

    Also, I feel that you have not really addressed what your one most unique characteristic is. In your 2nd last paragraph, you wrote a lot of points, which makes me feel quite lost. I do not really know what is the most unique characteristic you are trying to highlight. You might want to take note.

    Other than that, I find this a creative personal statement! (Something that deviates from the norm!)

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  2. Hi Ivan,

    Having a quote is a refreshing way to start a personal statement. However you did not make any reference to the ending quote. As a result, it seems to hanging in the middle of nowhere.

    A suggestion for paragraph 2: “When I decided to pursue a major in Life Science, many people were puzzled as I used…” I think it will sound more coherent. Just my personal opinion though.

    Perhaps you may want to give a little explanation of why choosing the Life Science major has equipped you with the ability to cope with difficulties.

    In the last paragraph, I think that instead of “Moreover” you can try to relate more to your ability. For example, “My ability has allowed me to… “

    I am not very sure but I think that your last few sentences can have a more personal touch than it is now.

    Cheers,
    Chee Siang

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  3. Hey Ivan,

    That's a pretty original way to start off a personal statement. The statement fufils all the 7Cs and I must certainly admit that your language for your blog posts has always been good.

    On the other hand, the last sentence of the third paragraph does not reflect well on you as it is indicative of a careless and non-committed attitude, with the use of phrasing like 'chose to face', 'attempt to excel'. It gives the impression that you went into Biology with a negative attitude and that you are not doing your best for the major. Especially as this sentence comes near the beginning of your personal statement, it spoils the reader's interest in reading more. Perhaps you could improve it by giving it a more positive approach, using language something like this: 'despite all these setbacks, I still chose Biology ... and have excelled in it as evident from my resume'

    Not only that, the phrasing of 'all these recognize me as' sounds slightly weird to me. Perhaps you could modify the sentence?

    I hope these comments are of help without giving any (or much) offense.

    Thanks,
    Abigail

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  4. This is a well crafted personal statement. It allows multiple levels of interpretation.
    Through the choice of your major, you have adequately demonstrated that you are willing to move out of your comfort zone and deal with adversities. But this is not the only characteristic about you that a reader can garner from the personal statement.

    You have also showed to be a person who walks the talk. After giving the advice to the young man, you actually practiced the philosophy yourself. Furthermore, you have also showed great passion for teaching by wanting to share your experience with students to motivate them to strive on when faced with difficulties.

    Interesting read!

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  5. Thank you all for your precious comments! I do have to admit that my personal statement is flawed, thus needing nice people like you to criticize and let me learn from it. The last quote might be out of place; therefore I removed it to prevent any hindrance in the flow. Amendments have been made in the problematic second paragraph and more concise details are added. In all, these comments have given me good indication of how to perfect (as much as to my ability permits) my personal statement! Thanks to everyone!

    Sarah: I have highlighted my characteristic in the modified personal statement. Do have a look. =)

    Chee Siang: I agree with your remarks and as for the personal touch, I will try to work on it. Thanks!

    Abby: No offence taken! Great comments and I have greater enlightenment! Thanks!

    Xiang Min: Thanks for your observation! As the saying goes, “lead by example”, and I am glad that you have noticed what I am trying to highlight in my statement. I have tried to make it unique and stand out from the rest. Nonetheless, thanks for finding it interesting, like the others do.

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  6. Thank you, Ivan, for the effort to refine this. I still have problems with it though.

    1) It develops me > it helps me to

    2) Chemistry and Physics > not proper nouns (names) ... "Chemistry 101" would be a name (as in a module name) ...
    (see the Purdue OWLab site)

    3) mocked at my stupidity > mocked my

    4) in future endeavors > in any endeavors

    5) I still chose Biology > I still chose biology

    6) Hence, this experience recognizes me as a good role model > Persevering in this way also helps me serve as a good role model

    7) My experience also contributes to the Ministry of Education’s desired outcomes of education as it will allow students to see what they can reap by being willing to strive. > I hope to be able to demonstrate to students that through this sort of effort they can reap great rewards...

    8) In addition, this provides them the courage and conviction in facing any adversity in future. Lastly, it cultivates students to maintain continual learning as a lifelong habit. > this what? your perseverance is the topic. "It" what? These sentences are confusing to me.

    I like your conclusion, but by the time I arrive there, I'm a bit baffled. You need to sharpen the focus here, Ivan. Why not just focus on how you persevered in your study of biology? What did you do?

    Tell the story, dude (in the short version)!

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  7. Thank you B.B. Sensei! You have given me lots of great insights! I have now learned to see the flaws in my personal statement and have made improvements to it as shown in my third draft. I have incorporated a short personal experience and also tried to sharpen the focal lens and narrow into HOW I PERSEVERED IN BIOLOGY. Thank you so much once again for the valuable pointers!

    Can I have more feedbacks from the others as well? I would love to listen/read the criticisms and improve more on my personal statement! A warm thank you beforehand!

    Regards,
    Ivan

    ReplyDelete