Education Officer in Ministry of Education, Singapore
Requirements for job:
The Ministry seeks for individuals to be good role models with passion for education, the knowledge to engage students in the learning process, and an inspiration to the students. In addition, as the heart and soul of the class, the teacher must be the pulse that maintains a lively and engaging class. Moreover, the teacher must also prepare the students for challenges in life by nurturing their spirit of innovation and grooming them into all round individuals. In return, teachers will develop and grow both as a person and a professional while they plough and flourish students into future pillars of the nation.
(Reference: http://www.moe.edu.sg/careers/teach/)
Application letter:
Block 344
Choa Chu Kang Loop
#11-51
Singapore 680344
September 4, 2009
Ms. Phua Puay Li
Deputy Director of Human Resource Development
Ministry of Education, Singapore
1 North Buona Vista Drive
Singapore 138675
Dear Ms. Phua,
Re: Application for an Education Officer Position
I am writing in response to your advertisement on the Ministry of Education website. I believe that I can contribute to the ministry as the position requirements and my skills are a perfect match.
I will graduate in July 2010 with a Bachelor of Science with Honours degree in Life Science (Specialisation in Molecular Cell Biology). Since secondary school days, I have yearned to enter the education sector to contribute back to the society for its support in my education. This is because of the inspiration that my teachers have brought onto me and my aspiration to influence the future leaders of the country. As I embark on my teaching stint, I become more fascinated with the satisfaction of teaching. Not only does it give me confidence in interpersonal relationships, I am also impressed by the influence that teachers have on their students. All the attachments to the local schools and private education sector have helped me gain some experience in teaching and management of a class. Moreover, the experience also confirms my passion to teach as a lifelong career.
You asked for a good role model and the heart and soul of a class, and I am one. Despite my hectic schedule as an NUS student, I continue to work as a tutor and also take up relief teaching in schools during the university term breaks. This allows me to continuously be able to engage the students in their learning. Without losing touch with this skill, I am able to keep lessons lively and interactive. From time to time, counseling of the students is inevitable. Therefore, my experience in an EQ workshop provides me the appropriate skills in helping students with family or school problems. Moreover, to groom the students into all-round individuals, I believe that teachers must have all-rounded skills and knowledge to impart to the students. Hence, I trust that my IT skills and professional training will equip me to put in my best when it comes to providing the students with an innovative and fun-learning learning environment.
From the enclosed resume, a DISC personality profile evaluation clearly states that I am an easy-going, lively and patient person. Generally, I am able to get along harmoniously with people. Thus, I believe that I can relate to students in particular and fit well in the education organization.
I would welcome an opportunity to discuss with you on how I could be of service to the ministry. I can be reached at the number and email address indicated in the enclosed resume. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Thank you very much for your kind attention and time taken.
Sincerely,
Yow Ying Ming, Ivan
Enclosure: Resume
Hi Ivan,
ReplyDeleteThe language used is courteous and it is pretty much persuasive in my opinion. In the 2nd paragraph onwards, you managed to link the requirements to your strengths and abilities and experiences.
However, in the 3rd paragraph, you might want to split into 2 paragraphs to facilitate easier reading. (Not too wordy)
Also, I believe I am using the same advertisment as you on the MOE website. But is there a difference between education officer and teacher? Or does "education officer" sound more professional?
Hi Sarah,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the time taken off to comment on my application letter. I will note down your suggestion about splitting up the third paragraph for easier reading. However, are there more critics for me, such as language errors or any suggestions for me to improve on?
I have noticed your application and perhaps the most appropriate term to use is General Education Officer (GEO) or Education Officer. I chose the latter due to the fact that the Ministry has two different schemes, namely GEO1 or GEO2, based on one's education qualifications. To prevent any confusion, I chose to list as Education Officer so that the Ministry can appoint me to the scheme that they feel I am most suited for. On the other hand, perhaps Education Officer might sound more professional, since it is the designation that MOE gives to the teachers. Thank you for your opinions once again.
Regards,
Ivan
Hi Ivan,
ReplyDeleteWOW. Education Officer. I mean no harm but imagine replacing "teacher" with "education officer" in your application letter. Anyway here are my comments. Just my personal opinion. May or may not be correct.
Paragraph 2:
I feel that "This is because of the inspiration that my teachers have brought onto me and my aspiration to influence the future leaders of the country." does not sound smooth (the inspiration and aspiration). I suggest "I was inspired by my teachers and my aspiration is to groom the future leaders of the country."
"..have helped me gain some experience in teaching and management of a class." I suggest replacing "some" with "valuable".
"Moreover, the experience also confirms my passion to teach as a lifelong career." I feel that "to teach as a lifelong career" sounds more like a goal and the passion should be "to teach". Do i make sense? haha i am getting confused with my own comments! I suggest "These experiences confirmed my passion for teaching and i envision it to be my lifelong career."
Paragraph 3:
I like your first sentence. It is filled with impact.
"Despite my hectic schedule as an NUS student, I continue to work as a tutor and also take up relief teaching in schools during the university term breaks." I suggest breaking this sentence into 2. Relief teaching is done during term breaks and i feel it does not link with your opening (hectic schedule). Unless your term breaks are hectic as well. If that is the case, you might want to indicate that as most people will not associate term breaks with hectic schedules.
"From time to time, counseling of the students is inevitable. Therefore, my experience in an EQ workshop provides me the appropriate skills in helping students with family or school problems." I personally suggest "On top of teaching, i feel that a teacher has the obligation to guide the students in their personal life. My experience in an EQ workshop has equipped me with the appropriate skills to facilitate the counseling of the students."
Paragraph 5:
"I would..." Is this considered passive? I am not very sure but since it is an opportunity in the future, "would" does not seem to be appropriate.
Overall Comments:
It is tough trying to relate to good role models, heart and soul, pulse that maintains a lively and engaging class but i think you did rather well. I agree with Sarah that paragraph 3 seem to be too packed. If possible, some elaboration on your experience will be good. You can give examples of how you engage the students in learning, or what you have done to keep the class lively and interactive. You may also want to back up your "attachments to local schools and private education sector" with evidence like how many months, where, what did you deal with, what you have done.
Cheers,
Chee Siang
Hi Ivan,
ReplyDeleteI do agree with Sarah that your Cover letter is indeed very persuasive. It definitely does not scrimp on ideas and I also liked that it had a personal touch to it, something that could work for you due to the nature of the job. I also liked that you emphasized on your passion, while showing experiences that portray initiative and time management.
However, your ideas do come across a little cluttered and I feel that your letter seems to be lacking some kind of flow, making it not very concise. Perhaps you could leave some of them out for your personal statement? Just my thoughts though, what do you think?
Also, you said that “Generally, I am able to get along harmoniously with people. Thus, I believe that I can relate to students in particular and fit well in the education organization.” I felt that writing “students in particular” may not be that good, since being a teacher involves much more than that. Maybe you could also mention about working with colleagues and parents to bring out the best in every student? That way, your focus would still be on students but you would show more understanding about the teaching job.
You also stated that “Moreover, the experience also confirms my passion to teach as a lifelong career.” Are you referring to the attachments you mentioned in the sentence before that? Do you mean “experiences” then?
You might also want to say all-rounded individuals instead of “all-round” individuals. In addition, you used “all-rounded” twice in that same sentence. It might be a better idea to think of another adjective to replace one of them, so as to show your proficiency in the language.
Furthermore, I felt that the sentence “Without losing touch with this skill, I am able to keep lessons lively and interactive” could have been made more convincing if you had mentioned the methods you had employed to keep your lessons lively and interaction. In fact, if you had a very creative and unconventional method of doing so, I feel that it could impress the reader a great deal.
I feel like an old cranky auntie doing this. Haha, but I certainly hope that my comments were of use to you! :)
Very strong language over there! The DISC personality profile is also an interesting and convincing way to show that you are suitable for the job.
ReplyDeleteJust have a few mistakes to point out. Hope they make sense. =P
- In paragraph 2, it sounds cliché to say you want to ‘influence the future leaders of the country’. Also, it seems to imply that you are only willing to teach elite students.
- In the second last sentence of paragraph 2, you mention about gaining teaching experience. But previously, you have already discussed what you have gained from your teaching stint. Hence, it may sound repetitive.
- In paragraph 3, using the phrase ‘I am the one’ appears quite arrogant. Maybe can say ‘I fulfil your requirement as….’
-Chee Siang, don’t worry, I think that you are making sense in your comments for me. That is a good point pointed out. Thanks for your numerous well-thought analysis of my application letter.
ReplyDelete-Hey Sheryl, welcome to my club of ‘Naggy & cranky aunties’. No fear, your comments are of great use for my revision and I greatly appreciate that.
-Hi Xiang Min, don’t worry, nothing in this world is senseless. Your words have great insights for me. This means I have to work harder that’s all.
Thank you Chee Siang, Sheryl and Xiang Min! Your advice is invaluable to me and I really appreciate that. No one in this world is perfect and so, I will try to work towards it (But will never reach there, ha-ha). I must say that the three of you really did a good job by pointing out those errors and cranky parts because I have never really thought of those points as weak-links in my letter. Nonetheless, I must thank you three again for the beneficial criticisms.
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